Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
True freaking story!
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.