I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
My wife gives the best headache.
*seductively eats two tums*
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit