When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y鈥檃ll would鈥檝e already seen me mostly naked. Y鈥檃ll should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it鈥檚 too early to ask this many questions.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he鈥檇 found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he鈥檇 found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He鈥檇 kidnapped someone else鈥檚 cat.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Running from your problems is cardio .
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 馃檪
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor鈥檚 packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn鈥檛 made into a game for children to play.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That鈥檚 a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My mom, to me as a kid: You鈥檇 probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Funny cuz it鈥檚 true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened