Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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it was love at first sight
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me: