“you recording!?”
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*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me checking my bank balance online.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.