my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
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I’m not proud
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.