Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?