They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
titanic
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.