Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?