*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
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God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”