WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
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I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me: