My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
when dads have a rap battle
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.