There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
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the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.