I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
mathematically impossible
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that