[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
You Might Also Like
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*