New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
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“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Phones down.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship