Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Put this video in the Louvre
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!