Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
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I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job