Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.