Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
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[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Some people were born into their job.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child