I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
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all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
$4 #usedbooks
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Ugh
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
❤️❤️❤️
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*