The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
You Might Also Like
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.