You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.