No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”