Oceanography is all about current events
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Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
me refusing to leave twitter
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.