Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
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So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Stop.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience