well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
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[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
And then there were 4
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
peak technology
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free