Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“A little help here, Danny?”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.