Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
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Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.