If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
peeping toms
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality