What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.