Sheep
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Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
(Musicians.)
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”