Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
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And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I know this now 😂
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.