Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
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For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop