My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
just make the entire table out of coaster
2022 be like
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Krampus.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.