I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
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My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.