[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
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Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I finally found a reason to live again.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My brain is a bad influence on me
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.