mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
me as a parent
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.