So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok