At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
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*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.