Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.