9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
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Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon