Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
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The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.