Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
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What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.