Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.