My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?