That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.