If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.