Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
reduce, reuse, recycle
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.