*seductively eats two tums*
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
no refunds
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait